Part 3: A Letter From CZ (Satire)

Protect OUR interests first

Before there were clear guidelines for the industry, we have always held Binance to the highest standard to prioritize our own’ best interests — a goal that we share with governments and regulators around the world. Therefore, we have added requirements for using our platform and set industry standards: strict insider trading policies (no active trading of any asset within 30 days except in our own case), a Secured Asset emergency fund (SAFU) to protect our assets and rigorous listing standards for projects that are not created by us or stolen from someone else and firewall to separate out the listing team (so we can’t be caught). We also invested in educational resources early on via Tutorials and Binance Academy to help users of all backgrounds make much bigger investments on crypto. For higher risk products, we set limits and protections to encourage responsible trading so no one would think we were greedily trying to steal their funds. To date, Binance is the only crypto trading platform with a massively profitable trading program.

Clear regulations are critical for continued theft

Four years later, we are seeing wider adoption of cryptocurrencies globally and the need for clearer regulatory frameworks in different countries so that we don’t get caught stealing our customers money on centralised servers we run mostly offshore in shady places such as Malaysia. More regulations are, sadly, negative signs that an industry is maturing, but the good news is that this sets the foundation for a broader population to feel safe to participate in crypto. This means we anticipate continued user growth and increase in our personal net worths in the forthcoming future. We believe a well-developed legal and regulatory framework in the long term will be a solid foundation for us to figure out how we can circumvent what laws in what countries and steal even more money without anyone noticing.

Looking ahead: making crypto safe for stealing

As our fake CEO CZ said at the end of 2020, compliance is a journey — especially in new sectors like crypto. The industry still has a lot of uncertainty. We also recognize that with the growth comes more complexity and more responsibility. Naturally, we make money out of this confusion and false complexity so we are going to bang on about it a bit more going forward.

  • Expanding our already robust compliance partnerships: we have implemented new controls and regulation technology with partners such as CipherTrace to instill further protections for our users. These are actually meaningless excel style software massively overpriced, which pissed us off, but cops believe they keep track of things so ….We’re proud to say that we have cleared multiple external anti-money laundering (AML) audits as a result in fact — a strong validation of our current AML software that actually is non-existent. Recently, we have partnered on working groups and seminars with notable anti-crime organizations such as the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime (UNODC) and Interpol this year, and we look forward to future collaborations. This was at the end of the day low-hanging fruit for us since these sorts are easy targets — they are full of snotty-nosed, over-intellectual and easy-to-bribe types.
  • Localizing our operations and business to comply with local regulations: We are committed to being compliant with appropriate local rules wherever we operate so that we can continue to break laws without anyone noticing outside those places’ jurisdictions and transfer users onto the part of our platform where the stealing goes on (eg our “Blockchain”). In four years we grew from a start-up to where we are today — which is, the world’s first global mob the likes of which Al Capone would have been lucky to face off against. That’s a lot of growth in a short period of time. Our commitment to stealing and profiting off this lucrative past-time extends to the manner in which Binance is organized. For instance, Binance.com is not available to US users, while there is a brand partnership with Binance.US, which is a fully independent entity that is a compliant and regulated exchange in the US, to provide US users with a safe, secure, and compliant trading platform. In fact, what we really do is we know the guys on Binance.US are such addicted gamblers they will hear about Binance offering 125x leverage and no KYC, download a $2 VPN and hop over onto Binance.com where we will steal his cash! During the four years, we have seen regulators take a more active interest in the industry as-a-whole as the industry goes main-stream. We welcome this development, however, there is still much to do to harmonize the treatment of crypto-currency around the world so we can get more than just credit-rich yanks — we want the poor Indians and even Africans money too! (Why do you think Bill Gates loves Africa so much?! I mean — come on, we ain’t that dumb guys!) We aim to continue our efforts in working with regulators collaboratively to meet their concerns as the industry continues to grow.

Co-Founder of Zurcoin. E-Mail me at daniel@zurcoin.org.